Friday, May 7, 2010

the first day...

i'm a newbie with this blogging stuff. in theory, i've got a lot to say but in real life, i'm not sure any of it is worth anyone's time reading these thoughts. but i'll give my best.

today is my first day not being pregnant. i've only known i was pregnant for a week and a few days, but it was a really amazing week. i've waited for 7 years to have someone look me in the face and say, "you're going to have a baby!" and it all happened rather randomly, shockingly actually. despite the doctors concern from the beginning i was overwhelmed by God's goodness and generosity in giving us a child. i immediately tried not to be excited, after all we were very early in our pregnancy and with every phone call some doctor or fellow or nurse was asking cryptic questions trying to find out what exactly was going on. for the first 3 days jason and i just looked at each other, giggled and said, "we're going to have a baby!!" amazing feeling. and weird that all of the heartache of the failed attempts melted away in that instant. it truly was an amazing week! i hope everyone has a chance to experience what i did for the past 8 days.

so, now that i'm not pregnant i fully expected all of the pain and heartache, the longing, the urgency and the desire to rush back into my life like they never left. i know it's just the first day, but they're not here. in fact, there is no sign of them in sight! i am realizing that this is again the goodness, mercy and generosity of Christ Jesus in my life. i want to see people, i can't wait to hold little lucy davis tonight, i feel like i need to tell everyone that i'm okay and that i will be okay. but really i want to tell them that it is God, His Word and the Holy Spirit in my life that is making all of this okay. actually more than okay...blessed. i am so blessed to have been pregnant and have high hopes for being pregnant again if the Lord allows. i am blessed by knowledgable doctors, caring friends, loving family and a husband who truly loves me as Christ loves the church. i am overwhelmed, not by circumstances in my life, but by how God is using them to draw me and others closer to Him. amazing.

david crowder has a song on his latest album, "church music" that is call "how he loves us". in this song he describes God's love as a hurricane, and those of us who belong to Him as trees being tossed back and forth by His overwhelming love. i choose to carry this picture in my head today, the first day of me not being pregnant, to fully understand how my Savior feels about me today. and that makes me smile.